Come back

Writing has been all I had since the moment I grew up enough to know the world that I was living in. I have abandoned this blog, not because I hadn't visitors, but because I never felt the connection with them. What has made me come back is actually a dream, a dream I had a long time ago and I want to live it, finally.

Some time will pass until I will accomplish my dream, but I will because I have put all my thoughts into it and I'm going to continue to do so.

Blogs are personal, and here you are going to find advice, sadness, happiness and the thoughts that I wanted to share with the world. I started this thinking I could make the world a better place, but then I let darker emotions drag me out from my previous goal. I will take care of this blog and whomever is reading and has come back to see the news: welcome back. 

This time I promise I will not leave for so many months because I have a lot on my mind to share with you and I will continue to do so.

Paralyzing the mind

 

You have your mind set on your goal. The only image that lies behind the stage is making you numb. Without moving, without making a sound you crawl into darkness to search just for light. As you lose yourself deeper you believe you've found it: the dream, the light, the end of the tunnel, but it's another illusion that will make you feel more nervous.

I am paralyzing the mind with poisonous thoughts. The horror of losing what I never had is slowly taking control and it invades my dreams, my vision, my judgement, everything that one can think of. Is even making fake memories of the real ones. I am paralyzing the mind with pure evil and with some songs that awake a monster in the soul.

I am listening to evidence of the dead to fill the empty holes in my heart. They say to stop, to live the life I have and they lost and then they send unclear messages for me to try to understand and after I achieve my creepy goal, they stare into my mind directly like a disease that never leaves. I love the shadows, I love the feeling that makes me think I'm not alone in my mind.

You're still searching for light in the depth of darkness, you're still hoping to see the end of all the suffering, to find peace. But what made you think there is light in my mind? Get out; it's time to stop the disease from spreading.

I'll miss you, Summer

Summer ended today, maybe. For many of us it ended yesterday, but for me I'm not sure yet. It didn't feel like autumn. And it's not going to feel no matter if my hands and feet are cold at night, or if at eight o'clock gets dark. In my mind summer it's still going to be there just for another month.

Of course I didn't get to do everything I planned, but at least I'm free now. I can do whatever I want. It's not like I have something in mind, actually I gave up some of my plans. Not worth it :)) I guess we all find ourselves in the position to realize something's not worth fighting for. 

I didn't get a chance to say hello to summer properly, and I'm not sure if I want to say goodbye. I read somewhere (actually on facebook) that the worst thing is to get a glimpse of chance just to realize you're fooling yourself. I disagree. When chasing a dream, no matter if you achieve it, if you can fight even a little, even for nothing it's worth it. Yeah, maybe some things are better off where they are, but until you try you never know what's best. 

Things happen for a reason - no. It's just time that passes fast and some situations that connect, the rest is as special or mundane as you let it be. If you want to learn something from it, it's your decision. Of course, we often choose to forget, to let go...

I try not to believe in destiny, because it doesn't always go the way you want it, and if you're convinced something should happen and it doesn't, you might fall of track.

Dreams

 

I can change destinies. I can be God. I can answer all their questions, I can be the Devil, I can be everything and nothing at the same time. That's what does a writer. That feeling, that power is amazing. Too sad in real life doesn't go like that. Too bad I'm just a character in the play of life. Having no control sometimes is hard.

Stories always helped me go on, because I would write about something exciting, impossible and yet a solution out of everything comes at the end of the story. It's hard to deal with reality, but combined with imagination and dreaming you get a great mix. There was this night when I thought I knew everything. I have been having questions for a long time, too many questions I'd say... and suddenly I got all the answers I needed. I was God for a few hours.

I said then that dreams are really coming true when the stars light the sky. The detail that I missed was that the stars that we see are already dead. So, what we see on the big sky at night are just some colored dead space material. So are dreams sometimes; dead for a long time... It's us that refuse to see it, it's me that says things are better later than never. And maybe they are, or I just saw another star...

The Secret

Not about a TV series, not about music, not about my or your heart, but a documentary (or book, whatever version you prefer). Yeap, the biggest and the greatest documentary of all: The Secret.

I said once that it doesn't work, that I don't understand it. Actually, it was just a matter of time. When you're waiting for a wonder, it's always about time. And as many say: time doesn't forgive. It may forget in my opinion, but it never forgives. The moment you lost, is lost forever, as long as you're dead.

Yeah, I'm being sarcastic here. Everything you want you can get it, but you have to really want it and be sure about your dream. I am the pessimistic type, I have to admit, and I have been for a long time. But I cannot disagree with my power of will. I mean it. To stand up after every time you fall you need to be willing to start over again. To do that you need power, a lot of it. It's best if it comes from the inside, but outside reasons are good too.

So you want something really bad? Fight for it, no matter the time, the difficulties you face. You can really achieve a dream.

Commitment Issues

Both words with capital letters, because it's a common problem these days. People falling in love for a day or two, having a short relationship and then they feel like they should move on.

To begin a relationship is hard. You over-think about the first "I love you", sometimes the other person says it too early and you're like "I only love myself", you're afraid you'll get bored. Anyway, after you got over these little actions, there comes the hard part. Let's say you have a few weeks, and things start to get serious. You're afraid it's just in your mind and you become confused. Or what if you can't live without that person anymore? That's scary. 

Did you ever play The Sims 2 or 3? Well, if you did... and you made a perfect family of you and your crush, god forgive you because it's a terrible mistake. First of all, you're extra happy that you and your crush are finally together, and after some time you'll see that you'd be with that girl/guy in real life, and the fairy tale will forever end, because reality was never as in your dreams. Secondly, you'll go on a killing spree in your game if things aren't going the right way, and that it's not good for your health. Nope.

I know you're going to try now the idea because I told you it works (for me it worked almost every time - tried 3 times, 2 times worked till now) and it was a mistake. Thank you third guy because you didn't let me get to know you, so you'll be a nice memory forever. 

Anyway, people are saying that if you love someone you don't know much, it's not love. Trust me, it's love. It can be love because you imagine your guy/girl perfect and you make a lot of imaginary situations in your head and every time you're thrilled to the core, and that my friend is a beautiful feeling that no one, but reality, wants to break. So, thank you, boy for not letting me fall from my snow globe. 

As you may have noticed it seems like I share your commitment issues. I'm afraid I do. It's not because I can't keep a long relationship, I'm not too confident in love because I really haven't met the right person. I guess I'm afraid that I'll ever find it (yeah, "it" because it takes a lot of effort to materialize into "him").

If things get serious too early and you don't feel comfortable, don't be afraid to put an end. Sometimes, some things are not meant to be. And if you don't intend to fight, then don't push destiny. It may lead you to wrong places. 

These commitment issues are more of a problem of trust. And if you trust your loved one, there's nothing that you can't reach. Fortunately, I still have faith in people, maybe a lot of them lost it forever, but it was just to make room for others who deserve it. Life it's not easy, but as we all go in death, you should live it with all your strength and joy.

TWWY:Lying to be perfect

 

The War with Yourself: "Lying to be perfect" (the movie of course) is a beautiful way of standing up to everyday challenges. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, I will tell you a little about it. It's about a girl who's fat and has this bad opinion of herself. She is a very good writer and works at a magazine, but she can't progress because she doesn't have a pretty face and body. So she creates this character, Belinda Apple (she uses an image of herself on Photoshop) and suddenly she gets very popular and gets to publish book. The only problem is that she has to make a public appearance at the book party, and unfortunately you can't photoshop yourself in reality. If you want to know the whole story, watch the movie. You won't regret it. 

Now, I don't know what problems do you have, but the story made me realize that it doesn't matter how you look, how old are you or where do you come from. What matters is how you let people talk to you. If you have low self-esteem you tend to accept when people tell you that you're not good enough. That, I think, is the worst someone can do: believe that they can't. There are a lot of talented people who don't know their value. There a lot of normal people who think they don't deserve this, that. Well, let me tell you: you don't need to lie to be perfect. You ought to do the things you feel, and if you fancy something, you have a person that inspires you, well let that inspiration make you feel good. You don't need to become someone else. I'm sure your friends are happy with yourself. It's you who's got to accept that this is your life and if you want to fight for it, then do it. What are you waiting for?

I don't have low self-esteem, I got over that problem a long time ago. Not that I was imperfect ever, it's just that I couldn't see the perfection in me. Everyone has that in their own unique way. You know well that beauty is seen differently in different eyes. So is perfection. Everybody keeps saying that first you need to love yourself. Let me tell you something. Yeah, you can have a boyfriend/girlfriend, a perfect life but if you don't love yourself, if you don't respect yourself, all of these are a lie and sooner or later everything in which you don't believe will go away. I want to share an experience of mine, but I don't want to let anyone to know who I'm talking about (anyway you can't because... well because you can't, I'm not giving any clues). I just can tell you that once I met someone (unfortunately a lot of people like this) and this person didn't love herself. She was beautiful and talented but she needed someone to tell her that. Of course, we all need to be praised from time to time, but to achieve something you actually need to believe in yourself. Well, this friend of mine had so much opportunities, and luck, and God, her life was perfect! And she couldn't see it. My friends always said they want to be in her place, and I wanted to for a time, I got to admit. But she didn't knew her value, so all her talents and her beauty faded away. I'm not saying she's some "crazy bitch" right now, I'm just saying when you see her you see just gray. Just like a shadow that wanders and can't be taken to her real value. I couldn't do anything to make her realize she's worth a lot more than she's thinking, but I guess some people don't want to be saved. She didn't have ambition, not even a bit, that was her biggest flaw. But, you, everyone has it, because is the main law of survival: you keep fighting because you want to get to a point: personal satisfaction. The ones who don't want to fight for themselves are a little weird... in the bad weird way, not funny. I mean, who can be pleased with their unpleasant life? If it doesn't make you feel good, you want to change it, right?

Being always happy is a hard thing to do, trying to keep going - the same, but what matters is that you're feeling good, and when you're down there is always a song that makes you feel better, always a friend to make a silly face or tell a funny joke (if you have any sense of humor, which I hope you have). The point is, there is always a way, you just have to follow it. And yeah, it's going to be hard sometimes, and you'll need help from friends, computer, games, music, life itself, but it's going to be worth it. You'll get to a point where you are pleased with yourself, with people around you and then, you'll set your next goal. And we all know how good it feels to have achieved something. Always keep in mind that what you want matters, and if others tell you can't do it, it's because they would be afraid to do it in your place. And if they are experts in that area they're afraid you'll be better.

P.S. Yeah, the song is intentionally chosen. You can! Good luck ^_^

Today I learnt

 

Today I learnt that experience has to be shared. I met a one of the million people that want to change the world, but to do that money is needed. And a lot of it if you want to do something good. Of course, there are situations and situations.

The main point is to go for your dreams. No matter how silly they seem. Someday you'll look back at the time that passed and you'll wonder why you didn't do anything when you had the chance. Time doesn't wait, and it feels like years pass faster and faster.

We all began a lot of things and we never finished them. For some of them we didn't even had the courage to make the first step. You don't need to see the whole stairs. Now I know that, and what matters is that life doesn't go backwards. If you want to do something about the past change your present. Don't think too much in the future because that is also losing yourself.

I'm finally done with all the exams, and I am sad. I am sad because a whole novel has ended. Another will begin shortly, but right now I'm not ready. I need to relive some of the past events, the ones that made me happy. I want to remember all the friendships, all the gossip, all the adventures. It feels now that all moments when I felt down had so simple solutions. Everything was just a story that I had the chance to write it at my own will, and yet I didn't see anything in front of me.

I am not sorry for the decisions I made, and I wouldn't turn back time to change anything, I would only return to do something more, to achieve more memories in all this time.

When something is ending, always something else will begin, but before the end make sure to have done everything you wanted until now. But, still, if you didn't, remember to take advantage of future situations.

Today I learnt a chapter of your life isn't over until you're disconnected from all the things that binds you to it.  When it's time you're not afraid anymore, and you go on your own road, and looking back makes you feel proud that you achieved something and at same time it makes you sad because those moments are unique, they are not coming back.

TWWY: Life

I think this is the last part of TWWY(The War With Yourself). About life in general, there are a lot of things to talk about. I don't know if you're in the mood of reading all these crazy ideas that we all know surround us. 

situation "A": Your parents control your life. If that's the case, you kind of have a problem. But, usually in this situation there are certain advantages that other don't have: maybe they don't let you go out much but they buy you a cool audio system (for example) or something similar. Maybe they let you call your friends at home a lot. My advice is to find an advantage and take the credit for it. 

situation "B": You feel like you don't have any real friends. Well, then you have a serious problem. It's hard to know there isn't anyone to give you a friendly hug, a person with whom you can be sincere but I'm sure you know better than me what's it like. Good people are all over the world, even if you don't believe me. You can find a friend from another country, you can share all the secrets without the fear that he'll tell, but one day this won't be enough. Time to get out in the world, alone, and search for a sincere person who would like to spend time with you. It's going to be a long ride, because friendship doesn't form in a few days or weeks, sometimes it takes only a few months, sometimes it needs years. If you're part of a group (even at work) it's good to see if you can have a special connection with someone around there, because it's good to share most of your time with a friend with whom you have the same interests. I could talk all day about friendship, but if this part of your life is missing you better do something now, because later you'll regret. Oh, and you can keep your fake friends too, they're good when you are bored at home and don't have anyone to go out with.

situation "C": A lot of things are happening in your life. You're an over-dramatic person or you don't have a choice but to be one. You make a scandal even out of your smallest problem. Make a list of the things that are ok in your life, and the ones that are not, and change anything you like slowly, without telling everyone a thousand times a day what is happening or what happened. I'm talking here about the people who want to change this lifestyle. And, if you have a life like in Gossip Girl, then, my sincerest congratulations, because you have an interesting life that's filled with a lot of events, and people and friends, and love and everything you wish for or not. If you're like this crazy girl/boy with a lot of popularity and you think you got bored of it, trust me, you're not yet. It takes a lot to imagine the perfect life in the perfect conditions without getting bored, but the hardest part is to actually live it. So, even if you're exaggerating things what matters if you're living them.

That's the problem with people: they don't know when to stop dreaming and start living. So, no matter who you are, what you think you are, live for the dream! And trust me, when you want something there is nothing that can stop you, but your own personality and thoughts. So, if you want to blame someone, the only "criminal" is you.

There is a quote from Dollhouse, a very interesting TV series that says: "She's living the dream." "Whose dream?" "Who's next." Make sure you're living your dream and not anyone's else.