Today I learnt that experience has to be shared. I met a one of the million people that want to change the world, but to do that money is needed. And a lot of it if you want to do something good. Of course, there are situations and situations.
The main point is to go for your dreams. No matter how silly they seem. Someday you'll look back at the time that passed and you'll wonder why you didn't do anything when you had the chance. Time doesn't wait, and it feels like years pass faster and faster.
We all began a lot of things and we never finished them. For some of them we didn't even had the courage to make the first step. You don't need to see the whole stairs. Now I know that, and what matters is that life doesn't go backwards. If you want to do something about the past change your present. Don't think too much in the future because that is also losing yourself.
I'm finally done with all the exams, and I am sad. I am sad because a whole novel has ended. Another will begin shortly, but right now I'm not ready. I need to relive some of the past events, the ones that made me happy. I want to remember all the friendships, all the gossip, all the adventures. It feels now that all moments when I felt down had so simple solutions. Everything was just a story that I had the chance to write it at my own will, and yet I didn't see anything in front of me.
I am not sorry for the decisions I made, and I wouldn't turn back time to change anything, I would only return to do something more, to achieve more memories in all this time.
When something is ending, always something else will begin, but before the end make sure to have done everything you wanted until now. But, still, if you didn't, remember to take advantage of future situations.
Today I learnt a chapter of your life isn't over until you're disconnected from all the things that binds you to it. When it's time you're not afraid anymore, and you go on your own road, and looking back makes you feel proud that you achieved something and at same time it makes you sad because those moments are unique, they are not coming back.
Today I'm going to write about some strange things. For example, this year I've lost a lot of people. Or at least it feels like it. Another example is that this is my last year of high school.
So let's start with the losing of friends. It's not like I did something bad, or they did, but it just felt that our lives are no longer connected, not even from far away. It isn't an easy decision going further, but it's the only option I got. I wanted a tranquil year, and I didn't get it. Exactly the opposite. At least I had things to think about. Although, sometimes it feels better not to think about anything.
I wish I could turn back time to revive the moments again and again until I get bored, because I like life. Despite my tendencies of going for the pessimistic way, and the devil's side, I LOVE life! I like the bad parts too, and I adore when I can go through them totally numb, like I would be just a stander-by, like it wouldn't be my life, it would be someone else's and I would just look and see the facts on every side.
As I like people (some people at least) I like to evaluate things, and because I have imagination I can create stories for them all. Sometimes I do that for me and I wonder what if I would've chosen differently? I am pleased with my every decision though. It helped me understand life as it is: not a fairy tale, not hell, not heaven, and definitely not for me. Well, looks like I understood what life is not. Sorry for the confusion. But I'm not disappointed with anything. Maybe just with things that are ending, because new beginnings await and I am afraid I won't be able to get used with them.
This summer things have changed. I learned that ghosts exists and that "forever" is a difficult promise to keep. Tomorrow school starts for me and I just want to sleep.
I discovered that my friends who needed help now they have helped themselves. Everything is fine for everyone and maybe the same. But not for me. You'll say that I'm the one who needs help, but trust me I can handle it, whatever it is, what I really need is sleep, lots of hours of sleep. I usually don't write things like this on my blog, but I got the feeling that I should.
Maybe you think I'm depressed because school starts, but it's much more than that. No, it has no connection with the ghosts that I heard... or saw or whatever. I think all this changes are coming from inside me, from my young heart that wants to fly. Last summer I flew, this summer I grew up.
Lie to me, lie because you know I know, but you want to forget. Drag me to hell, but refuse to say where we are going. Oh, where are we going? In my hell today, in yours tomorrow. In my mind you are a cockroach and I squash you a million times.
Lie to yourself because you can't stand reality, your sins are not so evil, but your mind has mysterious intentions, you wanna kill, kill, kill! And I want the same, you see we are made for each other, but, yet, we pretend to be angels with our sweet black&blue puppy eyes.
And I want you to scream my name in terror, like a suffering soul covered in a bloody scenario. And you want to rip the life out of me. You find yourself in these words and you don't want to admit it, and yet you wonder how is it possible that I know every thought of yours, every move, every desire.
Hatred is such a beautiful feeling, you embrace it every night and you hold it tight like you love it, and you lie awake filled with a warm smile on a bloody carpet. You love this feeling. Such contradictions are in your mind and you want more and more hatred. You would do anything to have it in your hands to make shapes of it. We know the face of death, we know what's in hell or in heaven, but you wanna know the face of hatred. Maybe you are that face. Now you're laughing in terror knowing that I found your secret.
"I wake up to see the morning light, oh, but there is no light. It's just an empty space filled with dust in the wind. I get up from bed and I look at the mirror. What a sad look on my face. I am beautiful, I know I am, I have no disabilities but yet I feel sad, alone and unprotected." - These are feelings of depression. These are the feelings that a person who's suffering on the inside from different reasons says such things. How can I help him or her?
I tried to say that everything has an ending and a better start, but does it really matter? No, I'm just talking in vain, I'm just helping helpless people. They say they want to be saved, but they want to fall deeper and deeper. I'm not saying you don't have a real problem, or real problems, but if you want advice you have to be prepared to fight, prepared to change things into better if you really want to go on.
I don't understand why say you want to fight when you actually want to devour all the sins in the world? When you want to die, to make people suffer, to make you suffer? Why say you're a fighter? You wanna scream your problems but you don't want to solve them. You want to just be proud to have those problems. Love it. Embrace it! Why don't you put an end to it I have no idea!
