A memory

 

I said I would smile but I couldn't. Your eyes were too cold. Your face was like a wall filled with lies but I could see right through it. I could see the emptiness in your soul. 

I wanted to see you from the depth of my heart, but you were as numb as I last recall. So therefore I couldn't sketch a smile. I don't even remember if I blinked. It was as painful as ever seeing my greatest failure, my only weakness.

I promise you no one will ever know this. Haa, of course I don't intend to keep it. What did you expect when there's no ending and no beginning at all? I know there is better for me, and I will leave. No more turning back for you, lost memory. 

I said I would smile, but there was no reason for it. We should turn away from the things that don't make us happy. You didn't smile either, stranger...

Hugs

 

Sooo... I've been hugging my kitchen's doors and fridge for a long time now. I'm a totally fridge huger! Well, it gets in my way. I'm the one walking straight here! Show some respect fridge and doors!

Ok, I know this has been tough for everyone, but a little hug/crash into objects can do good. I mean it! Don't need to laugh, but you see it's like talking to a friend and hugging him. You hug your friends, right? So why not hug the fridge, that provides food, which is super important? Why not hug the doors that feel alone when you're not eating in the kitchen... I'm joking here, by the way.

The point is, don't hug things or if you do, don't brag about it like I'm doing here. It's just that it has been a long time since I haven't been writing on the blog, and I have some stuff to tell, but I don't know how. When I'm away from the computer I have these amazing ideas and when I finally get home, I forget how I want to say them...

Well, tough or not, I'll try to stop hugging things. At least I'll pretend to? ^_^ Ok, you can't tell me this never happened to you by accident! 

Paralyzing the mind

 

You have your mind set on your goal. The only image that lies behind the stage is making you numb. Without moving, without making a sound you crawl into darkness to search just for light. As you lose yourself deeper you believe you've found it: the dream, the light, the end of the tunnel, but it's another illusion that will make you feel more nervous.

I am paralyzing the mind with poisonous thoughts. The horror of losing what I never had is slowly taking control and it invades my dreams, my vision, my judgement, everything that one can think of. Is even making fake memories of the real ones. I am paralyzing the mind with pure evil and with some songs that awake a monster in the soul.

I am listening to evidence of the dead to fill the empty holes in my heart. They say to stop, to live the life I have and they lost and then they send unclear messages for me to try to understand and after I achieve my creepy goal, they stare into my mind directly like a disease that never leaves. I love the shadows, I love the feeling that makes me think I'm not alone in my mind.

You're still searching for light in the depth of darkness, you're still hoping to see the end of all the suffering, to find peace. But what made you think there is light in my mind? Get out; it's time to stop the disease from spreading.

I'll miss you, Summer

Summer ended today, maybe. For many of us it ended yesterday, but for me I'm not sure yet. It didn't feel like autumn. And it's not going to feel no matter if my hands and feet are cold at night, or if at eight o'clock gets dark. In my mind summer it's still going to be there just for another month.

Of course I didn't get to do everything I planned, but at least I'm free now. I can do whatever I want. It's not like I have something in mind, actually I gave up some of my plans. Not worth it :)) I guess we all find ourselves in the position to realize something's not worth fighting for. 

I didn't get a chance to say hello to summer properly, and I'm not sure if I want to say goodbye. I read somewhere (actually on facebook) that the worst thing is to get a glimpse of chance just to realize you're fooling yourself. I disagree. When chasing a dream, no matter if you achieve it, if you can fight even a little, even for nothing it's worth it. Yeah, maybe some things are better off where they are, but until you try you never know what's best. 

Things happen for a reason - no. It's just time that passes fast and some situations that connect, the rest is as special or mundane as you let it be. If you want to learn something from it, it's your decision. Of course, we often choose to forget, to let go...

I try not to believe in destiny, because it doesn't always go the way you want it, and if you're convinced something should happen and it doesn't, you might fall of track.

Dreams

 

I can change destinies. I can be God. I can answer all their questions, I can be the Devil, I can be everything and nothing at the same time. That's what does a writer. That feeling, that power is amazing. Too sad in real life doesn't go like that. Too bad I'm just a character in the play of life. Having no control sometimes is hard.

Stories always helped me go on, because I would write about something exciting, impossible and yet a solution out of everything comes at the end of the story. It's hard to deal with reality, but combined with imagination and dreaming you get a great mix. There was this night when I thought I knew everything. I have been having questions for a long time, too many questions I'd say... and suddenly I got all the answers I needed. I was God for a few hours.

I said then that dreams are really coming true when the stars light the sky. The detail that I missed was that the stars that we see are already dead. So, what we see on the big sky at night are just some colored dead space material. So are dreams sometimes; dead for a long time... It's us that refuse to see it, it's me that says things are better later than never. And maybe they are, or I just saw another star...

The Secret

Not about a TV series, not about music, not about my or your heart, but a documentary (or book, whatever version you prefer). Yeap, the biggest and the greatest documentary of all: The Secret.

I said once that it doesn't work, that I don't understand it. Actually, it was just a matter of time. When you're waiting for a wonder, it's always about time. And as many say: time doesn't forgive. It may forget in my opinion, but it never forgives. The moment you lost, is lost forever, as long as you're dead.

Yeah, I'm being sarcastic here. Everything you want you can get it, but you have to really want it and be sure about your dream. I am the pessimistic type, I have to admit, and I have been for a long time. But I cannot disagree with my power of will. I mean it. To stand up after every time you fall you need to be willing to start over again. To do that you need power, a lot of it. It's best if it comes from the inside, but outside reasons are good too.

So you want something really bad? Fight for it, no matter the time, the difficulties you face. You can really achieve a dream.

Like yesterday

I know it's kind of old, but I love this song. It reminds me of things that are ending or already ended, of things that I need to run from or other that I want to run to...

It reminds me of all the people that I want to kick out of my life and of all the trouble that we go to make new friends, to keep friendships and to end them.

And last, but not least it reminds me of those love stories that you want to run from. Someone that you loved, but disappointed you and you want them out of your life.

I guess sometimes things happen, and not necessarily happy things... I don't love you like I did yesterday... And maybe as we forget to love life, friends, family, a lover, life also forgets to embrace us with joy. 

There was I time I tried to put a smile on my face nonstop, but finally my wall is down. One cannot pretend for the rest of his life. I am not made of steel. I don't regret what happened, I regret what didn't happen, I regret the opportunities I had to save people... to save me. I regret I lost a friend. I regret I lost maybe more... Lovers come and go, but friends are made to be there forever. Looks like not anymore...

Commitment Issues

Both words with capital letters, because it's a common problem these days. People falling in love for a day or two, having a short relationship and then they feel like they should move on.

To begin a relationship is hard. You over-think about the first "I love you", sometimes the other person says it too early and you're like "I only love myself", you're afraid you'll get bored. Anyway, after you got over these little actions, there comes the hard part. Let's say you have a few weeks, and things start to get serious. You're afraid it's just in your mind and you become confused. Or what if you can't live without that person anymore? That's scary. 

Did you ever play The Sims 2 or 3? Well, if you did... and you made a perfect family of you and your crush, god forgive you because it's a terrible mistake. First of all, you're extra happy that you and your crush are finally together, and after some time you'll see that you'd be with that girl/guy in real life, and the fairy tale will forever end, because reality was never as in your dreams. Secondly, you'll go on a killing spree in your game if things aren't going the right way, and that it's not good for your health. Nope.

I know you're going to try now the idea because I told you it works (for me it worked almost every time - tried 3 times, 2 times worked till now) and it was a mistake. Thank you third guy because you didn't let me get to know you, so you'll be a nice memory forever. 

Anyway, people are saying that if you love someone you don't know much, it's not love. Trust me, it's love. It can be love because you imagine your guy/girl perfect and you make a lot of imaginary situations in your head and every time you're thrilled to the core, and that my friend is a beautiful feeling that no one, but reality, wants to break. So, thank you, boy for not letting me fall from my snow globe. 

As you may have noticed it seems like I share your commitment issues. I'm afraid I do. It's not because I can't keep a long relationship, I'm not too confident in love because I really haven't met the right person. I guess I'm afraid that I'll ever find it (yeah, "it" because it takes a lot of effort to materialize into "him").

If things get serious too early and you don't feel comfortable, don't be afraid to put an end. Sometimes, some things are not meant to be. And if you don't intend to fight, then don't push destiny. It may lead you to wrong places. 

These commitment issues are more of a problem of trust. And if you trust your loved one, there's nothing that you can't reach. Fortunately, I still have faith in people, maybe a lot of them lost it forever, but it was just to make room for others who deserve it. Life it's not easy, but as we all go in death, you should live it with all your strength and joy.

Change? Really? "Haven't noticed"

2012 it's been a hell of a year! I know it's not over yet, we're only in August, but how many things could happen till now...

This year it's been "the end" for many of us, and I'm not talking here about death literally, I'm talking about failed relationships, friends lost, changes in people, changes in everything I guess. The best part is that is not over! I wanted this year to be peaceful and it was quite the opposite. Now, I think I'm prepared for the rest of it, but who knows what's about to come.

I want to thank all the people that didn't let me to know them. You have no idea what great favor you did.You know that feeling when you want to spend your time with someone (friend or future lover) and that person doesn't seem to share your interest and tries to get away from your life. Well, that is a real friend. Like this you can't say anything wrong about her, only the fact that she didn't let you in her life, but trust me, one day you'll see it's for the best. I discovered people this year, and I discovered them in a way I wish it never was, but when people choose to change, they usually go for the current trend. And it's trendy to make new friends and forget about the past ones, it's cool to lie.. to whatever. It's cool to be fake. Yeah, I guess that's the word people are embracing today: fake.

The unspoken words are called "unspoken" not because they are some sort of dangerous secret, but because when we find out the reality about someone, it's like... unexpected and it leaves you speechless. The truth does that sometimes, especially if tasted after years. It's like wine, as it gets older, it has a more of an impact on you.

You might be asking why I am talking in so many metaphors. But there are some things, that you can't say out loud without trying to make the situation sound better. It doesn't have to be so bad that you're disappointed in people, that the need to meet new people it's actually because the ones you knew are like rotten apples now (and yeah, this was pretty harsh).